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Longing for Intimacy


Right now when I’m writing this, the wind is roaring like a wild animal and the rain is tapping on my window, but neither of them can hurt me. It feels like it’s part of our genetic heritage to long for warmth and cosiness, for the sweet touch of intimacy. As I look back at my life, I can see this longing in everything I’ve done, in every step I’ve taken. The Webster dictionary defines „intimacy” as „a state of close relationship, familiarity”. Intimacy is usually between two persons, but it can go much further and deeper than that. Intimacy with yourself, with the world around you, with God. Feeling close to things and to beings. However, in order to feel close to something or someone, you need to feel that you are safe, that there is no threatening. Since we are so fragile and vulnerable, feeling safe is very important to us.

There are three images that come to mind when I think of intimacy. An evening by the fire with someone you love. Lord Jesus sharing bread and wine with his disciples. Me lying in bed with the flu. The last one sounds quite funny, but to me it is at least as important as the other two. You might think there’s no fun in catching the flu. And I’ve done it quite a lot since I was born. However, the story told inside is very different. Lying in bed with the flu means much more than blowing my nose and coughing my throat out. It is a story about love and intimacy. The love of my parents who were looking after me. The feeling that I’m safe and that nothing can harm me. The certainty that everything is under control. The unorthodox joy that I can stay at home rather than go to school. The opportunity to use my creative skills without the fear of being told of. The opportunity to write, or draw or play in the cosiness of my bed, surrounded by the people I loved, protected from all the hostility outside.

Things have changed in time but the feeling remains. It is too strong and too deep to go away. Only that now it is somehow extended. Extended to the whole world. Every time I’m scared, every time I have to take a big step and my heart is beating fast, every time I feel lost and alone, I pray to God and the feeling’s back again. In that moment I know he has answered me. I am safe. There’s nothing to be scared of. Everything is under control. I am protected by a love stronger than death. The whole world becomes my home because the Creator of the world is my father.

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