The Quiet Change

What is beyond this life? What is the meaning of existence? Is death a gate to another dimension?
 
With every day that passes by, I become more and more convinced that we'll find out the truth in the end. This life wouldn't make much sense otherwise. In one way or another, in one form or another, we must find out the answers we've been chasing for a lifetime. There are secrets that shall be told and mysteries that shall be revealed. Everything in this universe has a meaning. Although the logic seems strange sometimes, it is there, it proves there is a huge brain behind it all, coordinating every possible aspect of existence.

The sound of rain, the trembling of the grass, the stars on the summer sky, they all tell a story... They all seem to know more than we do. And - from what we know - they don't ask questions. It seems like we are the only creatures in this universe that ask questions and for this reason the only ones who don't get an answer. Maybe the answer will come only when we stop asking the questions.

I wish I could describe the feeling that some day we shall know. It is a steady certainty that grows within me like a tree, with its roots pushing deep into the ground, stronger and stronger every day. I look around me and everything seems to bear a new meaning. New dawns are born, new mornings arise, glorious and true. The night of the world is coming to an end. The scarlet curtain stands ready to be torn.

I have dreams about the end of the world and the beginning of a new era. I have visions about things turning into something else or becoming more than they are. I am lost in a labyrinth of feelings and sensations I can't control. They are coming from within and make me see the world in another light. They are a part of me and yet so alien, as if coming from another dimension.

Every morning I wake up, I look around and say: "one day..." That day is not far off. My heart is full of joy and my soul dances like the flame of the candle in the dark. There are things I cannot see but my soul can. I learned to listen to all the voices, to all the echoes. I am not scared anymore. Life is not about fear. Death is far beyond our pale emotions.

One day I'll close my eyes and go with the flow. I can already feel the change occurring in me. Death begins with life. Death is just another word for change. The ultimate change…

Fragile Emotions or Coping with Grief and Loss

I lost my mother when I was 19 years old. I was no longer a child, but that didn’t make it any easier. In so many ways, I was still the little girl longing for mom’s cuddles. Her death wasn’t unexpected, it came after a long period of suffering and confinement to bed. 

When she died, everybody said: “It’s better for her there than here.” In spite of my Christian beliefs, my heart and mind rebelled against that: how can it be better there, when we don’t even know if there is anything there? At least here, she had the conscience of herself, that indescribably warm feeling inside, an array of familiar things, beings and beliefs that she could always turn to. And she had us, the people who loved her and whom she loved.

All I could see in front of my eyes was the dark grave, with the horrific chills it gave me, and the image of the body left alone in the ground to rot and be eaten by worms. How can that be better than this life? 

While she was still alive, I used to think I’d never be able to get over her death. However, another thing I experienced is that in the first few days after, God gives you a kind of strength you never thought you’d have. It’s like an anesthetic. You go through the motions, you do what you have to do, but it’s like somebody else were doing it and you were just a remote witness, watching from somewhere in the clouds.

You experience what they call “third person transposition”, you become your own witness from the outside. The pain is there, but it seems remote and diffuse like everything else, filtered through a lot of other immediate sensations. The power of “here and now” becomes so overwhelming that all you can do is go with the flow. 

I can remember the very moments before they put her in the grave. I knew people were looking at me, expecting to see me cry. I couldn’t. All I could do was pray in my mind that the sun came out of the clouds, because my mother loved the sun and she would have been very unhappy to know she’d been buried on a cloudy day. The sun did come out, just a few seconds before they laid the coffin in the ground. I guess that was one of the moments in my life when I felt God’s presence more than ever.

One thing I’ve learned after my mother’s funeral is that the real pain always strikes a little later, and when it does, it stays for a while, following you like a shadow for weeks, months and years to come. It becomes weaker as time goes by, but it never really goes away. The wound heals, but the scars remain until the day you die. It’s a little like rheumatism. In some days, it upsets you more than in others. And what it hurts the most are always the little things, the little memories that you didn’t even think you would remember.

That day in hospital when she looked so frail and innocent in her white woolen jumper.

The day when she was doing the washing and I was hanging the wet clothes on the rope outside, and we had such a great time together, making plans of moving to Australia, living on a farm and having a little cute kangaroo as a pet. 

That day, before Easter, when she said to me – and she had tears in her eyes: “I still can’t understand why he had to die.” She was talking about Jesus.

Her little thin hands after she lost almost 50 kilograms.

That summer morning when, being already ill, she listened to the songs of the birds and cried. Later, when she was telling me about that, she explained: “I was so impressed to hear the little birds singing. I could feel their happiness as they were preparing to welcome the sun.”

Even now, when I remember those words, I have tears in my eyes. How could a woman like that die? There are other things I can remember, other memories that once were unbearable and now still make me cry, but I would need a volume to write them all. 

A few weeks before she died, she wrote me a letter, a sort of good bye letter. I found it on her bed when I came home for the weekend. It starts like that: “I’m writing you this because you aren’t here with me now...” Imagine the impact those words had after she was gone. “I’m writing you this because you aren’t here with me now…” Here… Where? 

Every time I read it, it sounds more and more like a message from another world, a sign from far out there, from the mysterious lands awaiting us at the end of our journey here on Earth…

Life-Changing Books:

"The Shack" by William P. Young

How can a man forgive his father who has abused him as a child? How can a father forgive the serial killer who murdered his 6-year-old little daughter? What revelation can turn the bitterness of a broken heart into joy and peace with the world, God and the self? What amazing experience can heal such painful wounds and replace the horror by faith and love? It must have been something great, something deep, with a huge impact, something coming from far beyond the boundaries of this world. You can find the answer in William P. Young's novel "The Shack", a book that combines a skillfully woven plot with such depth and wisdom that it can't but make its way to the most intimate part of the reader's soul. 

Unconventional and fascinating, captivating and profound, straightforward but subtle and delicate, this novel has all the attributes of a life-changing book. It deals with an old controversial topic and attempts to provide answers to the most burning questions of humanity. But it does it in such an original and charming way that, whether you are a convinced Christian or not, you feel you are taken one step forward on your spiritual journey. 

"The Shack" attempts to reveal the secret face of the true living God and the Holy Trinity. God is not what people have made of Him in their attempt to control their own destiny and protect their vulnerabilities. His image is built gradually around His own words "I am Who I am". Suddenly God appears to us surprising, fresh and new. Ideas we've been used to, things we've been taught to believe for such a long time lose their grip, and other things we've never thought of come into the equation to bring new light to the matter. 

Is God a male or a female? Is God really the stern master portrayed in the Old Testament? Does God have the sense of humour? Does God intervene in human existence? What is the truth about heaven and hell? Why does God allow evil? Can the Holy Spirit alter the dimensions of time and space? These are just a few of the questions that are dealt with in this novel. 

"The Shack" is much more than a best seller or an enjoyable read. It is a living book, one of those inspirational writings you remember and treasure for a long time. There is nothing rigid in it, nothing ostentatious or preaching-like. It teaches without sounding like a sermon. Nothing near. It is a book that opens hearts and minds by challenging the very prejudices that stand in the way of our relationship with God and with one another. 

Links: 

The Shack Book Website

Author's Blog

Look More, See Deeper

A life can change in an instant. One moment we are walking on our cosy, familiar ways, where we take everything for granted, the next we find ourselves in a strange and alien realm without even comprehending how we got there. We can never tell where life is going to take us. Our small universe can grow or become even smaller over night and we can get robbed of everything we hold dear.

What can we take with us over the threshold of pain, losses and fear? What can we cling to when the crazy waves tear us away from the comfortable shore and throw us into a world of chaos and distress? Where can we find our refuge when all our fortresses crumble to the ground?

The answer is not as far as we imagine. It is, in fact, very close to us. We live in a big world, in the middle of a huge universe, full of surprises and unexpected turns. Yet this universe has a Master. The one who created it knows every single corner and every single step. He can go as deep or as high as he wishes, he can see beyond time and space, through darkness or opacity. Nothing is hidden from his eyes and nothing will ever be. The huge waves don't make him hide nor the tough winds make him tremble.

The God in whom we trust and to whom we entrust ourselves is always there, eternal and true, unchanging and unaffraid, forever faithful to the ones who reach out to him. God is not bound by anything but by his own word. The same word that once said: "Let it be light." He created rules and boundaries but he also created the magic world "beyond". He created the "law" but he also gave an alternative to it, an alternative called "grace".

To God nothing is impossible. He put the mountains in their place and ordered them to stay still but he also created the faith that can move mountains. He created the cycle of life but he also created the spirit that can defy the shadows of death. He created everything and he re-created himself, the one who had never been created, in each of ourselves. And in everything he created, he put a little of the love that surrounds him, the love that defines him.

So how can we be oppressed by time when times bows down in front of our friend and our father? How can the circumstances of this life knock us down when we walk hand in hand with the one beyond life and circumstances? How can we be scared of death when the one stronger than death promised he'd be with us forever?

It is all a question of perspective. If we see only here and now, we let ourselves be swallowed by here and now. If we set our mind on earthly things, we cling to them and make them our treasure. And 'Where thy heart is, there shall thy treasure be also.'

So look above and seek beyond, and see God in all. Where there is trust, there is no worry. Where there is faith, there is no fear. Where there is love, there is no falling.

Prayer for a Good End

O Lord, My God,

Will you hold my hand when this journey is over? Will you see me through the darkness and guide my steps towards the light? The animal inside is so frightened at the thought of death, but my spirit longs for freedom, and my freedom is in You. No night is too dark, no abyss too deep and no mountains too high when you are there. Help me cross the point of no return. Give me courage to keep on hoping, loving, and praying when all my world seems to crumble to dust. Give me strength to silence the screams inside my tormented heart. To go further, to dive deeper, to fly higher, with no fear of failure. To reach out to the untouchable star, to listen to the ungraspable whispers beyond the wall of silence. And be with me all the way through.

AMEN

An Exercise for the Imagination

www.christianphotos.net

The clock on the wall indicated a few minutes to eight PM. In a second floor apartment of a block, in a provincial town, a 16 year old girl was writing in her diary:
“I am the last creature on Earth. A pathetic animal who can’t find its place in this world. I’m fed up with living in fear. Fear. Always fear. With every step I take. With every breath of air I take. A life based on fear, from A to Z. I’m scared that my mother will die and I’ll be left alone in this world. I’m scared that men will break my heart. I’m scared that no one will love me for what I am. I’m scared that I’ll grow old and sere like a flower without water. I’m scared of the monotony of life. Of the agony of death. Of the life after death. And so on and so forth. I’ve got to stop this. And the only way I can stop the fear of death is by facing it.”

At the same time, at the other side of the world, in the corner of an old country side a spider was weaving his web. The light filtered through the blinds made the small particles of dust become visible in certain areas, like a rain of twinkling stars. The young man looked at them with a strange smile and thought of the Himalayan snows and of the Milky Way.

“My God”, he said, staring through the blinds at the clear summer sky. “I know I’m not worthy to ask for a miracle, but today, the 25th of July, 2005, at…” – he looked at his watch – “7:56 AM, I, your humble servant, am asking you, the eternal father of all things, to make a miracle, to save a life, to pull a soul out of the claws of death and despair.”

A few days later the young girl wrote a good bye letter to her parents and went to drown herself into the sea. As she approached the shore, she saw something coming towards her on the clear surface of the water. She came closer. It was a bottle. A bottle with a message in it. She got it, opened it and read the message. Then she folded it well, put it back in the bottle and launched it on the water again. She went home and never thought about committing suicide again.

The question is: What do you think the message was?

My Lord, here I am, in front of you again, with all my heart and my soul. Teach me to be honest with myself and with you. Teach me not to hide behind words, behind polished phrases. Here I am, my soul all naked, ready to let you in. I have so many things to repent for. So many things I should have done and I haven’t. So many things I shouldn’t have done and I have. So many dark corners inside my heart where your light hasn’t reached yet. Forgive me for all those things and for many others that can’t be said here and now. You know each and every one of them. Purify my soul of all the rubbish, so that you can turn me into an instrument of your love. Clean all the places that need to be cleaned. Heal all the wounds that need to be healed. Light all the corners that are still in the dark. Hold my hand and guide my steps on the right path. Help me keep the candle burning. Show me the meaning of my life and your will for it. Let me find my strength in you, even when I feel that all in me is weakness and that all around me is crumbling to pieces. Be my comforter and my friend. Listen to my prayers and help me cry when the burden of restrained tears becomes too heavy within me. Cry with me. Let me feel your tears like a rain inside me, setting me free from all the tension, from all the negative energy. Let me feel your love touching my soul like a soft summer breeze, your tender care like a warm coat on a chilly day, your sweet presence like a long-wanted gift on a magic Christmas Eve. Teach me how to live and how to die. How to pray and how to forgive. All the things that could help my faith grow. Teach me all the little things no one has ever taught me. All that my soul longs to know. And don’t leave me. Stay with me forever and ever. Especially in the moments when I’m down and there’s no one else to lift me up. Especially in the moment of my death. Share it with me to make it easier. Make me feel then - like I felt all throughout my life - that everywhere is home, since home is wherever you are and you are everywhere.

AMEN

My Lord, though you’re so far away, you are so close. You can’t be contained by eternity but you descend into our small forgotten cottage over and over again. Come and dine with us. We haven’t got too much to give you, we are poor and have no rich meals, the daily bread is bitter with so many tears, but come anyway, o, Lord, come to the most humble of your children. Come and light our lonely winter evenings just like a candle burning in the window, touch the silence that consumes us late at night and turn it into a song. Decorate our Christmas tree with miracles and mysteries and sift the snow of Hope over our souls. Sing to us carols about the baby born in a manger of Bethlehem. Show us there are much more things than we let inside our tiny world. Open the windows of our soul, so that we can let in the breeze of Hope, Faith and Love. Keep our frozen hands warm, so that we learn to keep our brothers and sisters warm. Light our path, so that we can become light to others. Plant the seed of eternity inside our hearts, so that we have no limits in doing good. Open the gates of everlastingness, so that we can cherish every passing moment and make it work for your glory. Show us how good and holy you are, so that we can long for goodness and holiness. Reach out to us, so that we understand that reaching out to people makes a difference. Turn our whole being into a temple of your love, turn our life into a flame flickering in the dark. Let every footprint of ours tell a story, witnessing about your miracles. And when this road finally comes to an end, when Time closes his eyes and goes to sleep like a tired old man, let us pass away as smoothly as a sleigh running down the snow, as a river running into the sea, as a bird flying home to its nest.

AMEN